ibegtodiffer

staying is believing

2009-11-06T22:59:00.000-08:00

the lights on but nobody is home
u think u do but u never really know
should i walk awayor go with the flow
i should kiss you now so you dont have to speak,
coz when u do my head hurts and it makes me so weak
your words are like you,
a beautiful sweet lie
its what i want to hear
even when i know its not the truth
Your smile is captivating im under your spell
I ache for your presence and die a little everytime u go
You charm me with your seemingly childish innocence
but i know your instinct for survival could turn vicious
So be silent now,and kiss me like im the only one
Because I know when the nighlight vanishes you will be gone.

exit

2009-10-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

Pieces of paper lying on the floor
When you walked after you talked your talk
When the words were water flowing on a rock
You think you do but do you really know?

Its only a matter of time,
The layers will fall
You'll be standing tall
Until then keep the windows shut tight.

I could come, I could go
You stay , you should know
Everything is the same when everything changes,
Notice how this world keeps spinning.

Its simplicity in its simplest form
Would you know its real if it stared you in the face?
Or believe yourself and hide in your quiet place.
Is it too late...I think I see the storm.

The pieces of paper have flown away
All thats left are little bits.
Rain, rain please come again.
I promise that I will stand in your way.

Whisper of an angel

2009-10-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

When I am down, and the weight of the world is on my shoulders,
When trouble lurks every turn of the road i take,
When my head is in my hands trying to learn from my mistakes
When my screams for help are unheard, soft and distant murmurs.

Love so strong its bond made in heaven,
In your lessons of love I make my life worthwhile
I hear your voice when I feel stuck in a rut with these endless trials,
The most precious gift I was ever given.

I look in the mirror and cant help but see,
I think of the painful past,the promising present and the fruits it will bear in the future,
I remember that strength, thats unlike any i ever have ever seen before,
I realise...I am my mother's daughter, its crystal clear to me.

reflections

2009-10-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

I knew when I looked in his eyes
That he was gonna be trouble for me...

Walls...built strong to keep out, to protect.
Something so precious deep within,
Something so fragile, noone can be let in.

I took pieces of wood and I made this ladder,
I placed it against your wall just to look over.
The sight I saw mesmerised me into silence,
But a glimpse was all I got coz here I am falling.

I saw the reflection in the mirror and the eyes couldnt meet mine,
Theres a fear in the air that might dull the shine
I should walk away
But what is it about you that makes me stay

Here today, gone tomorrow,
all that will be left are memories and sorrow.
Hold on to the gift
before you know it, it will be gone, in a move that will be silent...and swift.

i love u i do

2009-10-25T00:22:00.000-07:00

could it be? I think it could!
do u love me? I knew u would!
are u afraid? so am i
dont want to be away frm me? then why r u?

im sitting in the depth of a deep hole...looking up and seeing the stars in the black sky/
Im afraid of this silence and wat it holds for me..But those stars...they comfort me.
Its cold and Im tired, I just want to be free...
I shut my eyes and I see you looking at me.
Hold my hand its all i need
your love is precious...it frees me.

When Im with you..I see u...
in ways i could never tell u...
Trust me and we'll see the world in a different light,
Hold me and i promise i wont give you up without a fight

this is me now

2009-10-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

how do i know this is love?
how do i know if he loves?
how do i know if i can trust?
how do i know i wont get hurt?

I guess I'll never know.

Thank you for this twisted knot in the pit of my stomach...
For showing me the highest highs and the lowest lows...
I'll be thinking about everything u said and everything you did and waiting to hear it and see it all over again...
For this increased heart rate everytime i see yr name on my phone
For this dereased heart rate everytime i dont
For this sweet pain
For this bittersweet longing for proximity..

Thank you...

So for now, I'll just wait, and feel the sweet pain you always seem to make me feel.

2008-07-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

A new world

2008-01-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

I was surfing through the videos on youtube and i noticed the number of singers who had put up videos of themselves singing-overwhelming.One girl called Esmee Denters kinda stood out, I thought she had a good voice and what struck me was the number of people who had viewed her videos and subscribed for them.I was watching one of her videos where she was singing "what goes around comes around" by Justin Timberlake , which I thought was a pretty good try.Suddenly to my complete surprise at the end of the video the camera suddenly shifts to somebody sitting in the same studio on a couch, singing backup vocals for her.It was none other than JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!aaahhh!!!He had noticed her on youtube!She now has a contract with his record label and is touring with him and Natasha Bedingfield!So I guess at that exact moment in time I thought to myself, "why not!".

I currently have about 19 videos on youtube of me singing various songs.I love opening my mail in the morning coz theres always a "new comment from youtube".Its overwhelming the encouragement complete strangers are willing to offer to someone who they think has talent.People I've never met before post messages that are so motivating.I remember thinking ok this is kinda weird, why am I putting up videos!lol!However, everytime I feel uneasy I check my mail and there it is!Another new comment encouraging me on!!Of course I know there are haters who arent so kind.But its ok, it would take more than a few words of slander to deter me now.I've been sent messages my a few websites that are all about singing talent and have competitions with prizes that are definitly good motivation to participate.One site is offering a grand prize of 1000 pounds!!insane!Of course there is a tiny sceptical voice in my head that says ok is this for real?Well, I'll never know if I dont give it a shot!!In the meanwhile, this new thing I've got myself into does wonders for my ego!;-)

So here is a video of me singing Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.Love the spirit of this song-"I'm just beginning the pens in my hand....reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it, RELEASE YOUR INHIBITIONS!!!"

heartbreaker

2007-11-10T04:47:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the past year spent in this paradise I cant help but marvel at the passage of time.I remember the first time I came to Rayong.It really was love at first sight.My weary soul seemed to be aching for peace and quiet and that is exactly what I got...and more.Rayong is literally by the ocean and its a quiet province that has much to offer, depending of course on what it is that you might be looking for.

At the point of time when I arrived, I was looking for a job that would provide me with a good enough salary to help my mother out as well as survive on my own.I just read the mail from my sister in Canada telling me all about her new school, and I cant help but marvel as I realise I have got more than I bargained for from this place.

I come from a city where chaos is a way of life.The people, the pollution, the place just got to me and I needed a way out.I hated seeing my mother suffering just doing the simple chores of marketing, sickened by the sights and the sounds.The city has its charm, it will always be the place I grew up in, but it had nothing to offer me, except bad memories...a dead end.

Upon arriving here and moving into my new condo I was overwhelmed with a sense of hope.I couldnt imagine the magnitude of the feat I wished to accomplish, and at that point of time, I felt like nothing could stop me. I felt a strength surge through my veins that couldnt possibly be of the petty human kind.As I look back now I realise I was blessed, as I am now.

The first few weeks staying here seemed like a fight for survival.As I looked around I felt nothing but amazement at the serenity and the beauty of the place, my mother and sister were my motivation to work hard to help them get out of Cal, but deep within me something was broken and something had died.I had been betrayed, not once, but twice (and it didnt stop there, as a few months ago there was a third).I wonder at times whether I am just too naive.When I love, I love with all my heart and soul, but I beginning to wonder whether thats really how its supposed to go.
I smile as I close my eyes and go back in time and watch the series of events that led me upto the present moment.How foolish are we to even think that we have anything to do with the events that take place in our lives...how complacent are we to think that our future is in our hands.The truth is, we are mere puppets, in the hands of God.

I was recovering from a bad break up, a relationship that ended after 3 and a half years.At that point of time, all I wanted to do was run home to Cal, shake him up and ask him what the hell was wrong with him.I wanted to run into my mothers arms and just cry, I wanted to sit and talk to my sister and my friends, I needed to do something to make it easier to breathe.As I looked around the four walls of my condo, I was faced with the difficult decision...go home-to what you've always known, to what can never change, or stay here-work hard and see what God has in store for you.I praise God that He gave me the courage to stay strong...to take the path less travelled.

Going to school in the morning was always an ordeal.It wasn't so much the activities of the day, because I loved my work.However, it was the early morning routine that broke my heart, every single day.As I watched the beautiful Thai families I couldnt help but feel an ache within the very depths of my soul.Mothers and fathers held hands, still in love, watching lovingly as their children scampered off into the classrooms.Some parents tried to gently pry the tiny but strong fingers away from their thighs...first timers.I thought of my life, promises made, promises broken, a life lived...I did something then I had never really done in full sincerity before- I prayed really hard.I prayed for forgiveness for feeling any sort of hatred.I prayed to allow the feeling of forgiveness come into my heart.I was blessed with a very good friend who helped me through the toughest of times.The things he said brought tears to my eyes, but I knew in a way, I was being guided and stopped resisting and started listening.

Everything happens for a reason.I was reeling with the hole in my heart my father made and was just about getting around to accepting and moving on, when I was thrown off balance with a messy breakup.Just when I began to accept and get on my feet again, once more I was betrayed by a close friend.At that point of time I asked myself why?How could I not see the signs?Wasnt twice enough?How much more could one person possibly take?It was then I realised that it was not in my power or right to question.Things happen when God wants them to happen and its upto us to learn.Enough is never enough...There will always be lessons that are waiting to be learned as this is your preparation, your defence against an uncertain future.One can never be prepared enough for the events that take place...what we can do though is pray for good judgement and not to end up bitter.

I fell ill these last couple of days and kinda had the wind knocked out of my sails.I hated it because I felt so weak and so useless, just a little bit of activity and I felt like I was ready to collapse.Something about this time was different though.Maybe the fact that I had this Italian hottie looking after me so sweetly.Things never end up the way we want it to, or the way we think they will.I look back at my imperfect perfect life, the confusing amazing present and uncertain future...I couldnt be happier.

So I'd like to dedicate the above entry to all my heartbreakers...I forgive you.

My Queen

2007-10-24T04:41:00.000-07:00

I remember the day so vividly.My mother whispered something in my ear and my father grabbed me up in his arms and we ran excitedly throughout the house.It was a joyous day, I was going to be a proud big sister!We were going to be inseperable, and I was going to teach her everything she would need to know, like where the milk tin was hidden, what to say to papa to get a chocolate for being good, how to smile sweetly when mama would get angry, she would learn fast.There was no doubt in my mind she would.

The next memory is a little blurred in the beginning.I was fast asleep during the peaceful and quiet hours of the night.Papa got a call from the hospital...she was here!She was finally here!We went to the hospital and went straight to the gallery where all the little babies were presented to their families.We were late and the curtains had fallen, but a very nice nurse allowed us to see our precious prize.And there as the curtains lifted i saw my baby sister for the first time, fast asleep in the arms of the nurse.What happened next I could never forget... the the lady smacked her cheek to get a response from her and the obviously disturbed angel yelled out in protest.At that moment, I remember feeling something I had never felt before.A curiously strong feeling that stirred within the very depths of my soul.As the frown took its place on my forehead, every muscle in my body tensed, the only thought that filled my baby mind was to jump through that barrier if I had to and smack that nurse senseless for touching that little bundle of beauty.I didnt realise it then, but as I look back now, it is clear to me, at that very point of time I had become the "big sister".

Nekita was not like the average girl in her babyhood.Everything about her was different, everything about her was special.Her very first report card at the tender age of 3 stated "Nekita does not hesitate to speak her mind, even to her teachers.I think she is going to grow up to be a politician".Although a few feet off the ground, she still packed a punch and was a force to be reckoned with.Boys got beaten up, the poor plants died at the hands of a "teacher" with a ruler in her hands.Naughty "students"...something needed to be done.A sense of defiance and strength that was unmistakeable, I always admired her and in a way was afraid of what she was going to do or say next.Thats what happens when you have a person as straightforward as her.People are seldom able to handle the truth, but thats exactly what you will get if you speak to her.The truth and nothing but the whole truth!My mother has tried and is still continuing in her efforts to explain to Nekita the ways of the world.How she should be more diplomatic and know what to say and when to say it.I laugh as I watch this battle of generations, I look at my mother and wonder if she realises that this strength comes from her.This air of courage against all odds is a gift shes given Nekita...Different, but still the same.

Our family went through hell and back in the last couple of years.I learned alot during this time and I'm still learning...People are never what they seem to be, its true what the say about knowing who your true friends are when you are down.Something you've looked up to and treated with utmost respect could turn out to be something very different.Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you.During the worst of times, I dont remember seeing my sister shed a tear.I know that air of defiance on her face meant she could take it on...and more, without flinching.I never realised just how much my baby sister had grown up...too soon if you ask me.I know that she is one of the most special people I have known and its a privilege to call her my sister.I couldnt be more proud...

We're so far apart and I miss you so much that it really does physically hurt.I worry about mama, but something in me is at peace because I know you are there by her side.I will not say that you shouldnt have gone through what you did at such a tender age, because I know that God has a purpose for everything.Your experiences guide you and I know you are intelligent enough to learn from them.Its been hard for me accepting the fact that you are growing up and even harder to know you have a boyfriend!!However, you dont need to worry, I think your big sister is growing up...besides, I think Gaurav is adorable.I love you with all my heart and soul and I want you to remember we may be worlds apart but it doesnt change a thing.We're really just a heartbeat away...you are my strength, my inspiration...My Queen.

A mother's love

2007-10-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

In the face of an angel I can see the lines of divine love.The lines of strife and of terrifying trials.The trials that were borne, in silence, all in the name of a mother's love.A bond so special and so amazing, it keeps us together.An invisible cord that binds us, stronger than any on earth.A glimpse of God's unquestionable, unchanging love, all in the eyes of a woman, of a mother, as she holds the images and memories of her children safe within her soul.

Although quiet and unasuming, beneath lies the fiery heat of a lioness, who would do anything to protect her young.Unmistakeable and undeniable, this love has the power to provide one with the feeling of safety, courage like no being could fathom, drive to go forth without a moments hesitation.

There are times when one might question this driving force this innate feeling that even distance cannot diminish.I walked away and remember your face like it was yesterday.There was so much pain as u could do nothing as you watched me leave your side.The place where i felt safe, the one place i call home.Maybe someday I could explain to you that the courage within me, exists because of you.I walked away because I knew you were there behind me.When I turned around I saw you watching me.I carry that image with me, I know I am never alone...Worlds apart, but still, one heart.

Reflections

2007-10-21T03:24:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine had asked, "do we really care what people think"?I thought about that for a while.During the period where i was searching for an answer I realised something that amazed me and gave me a new found sense of hope.

We grow up wondering what everyone is thinking and whether what we're doing is right or wrong.The question that remains is, who decides what is right and what is wrong?Nobody is perfect enough to point a finger and dismiss the actions of another.So there comes a point of time in our lives where we decide the opinion of only a few matter.The rest?Well, they will continue to judge, continue to watch from afar and question, continue to smile beneath the ugly face of envy.It doesnt matter...If God be with me who can be against me.Its as simple as that.

Someone told me once that i dont speak like a 22 yr old, i smiled to myself.He was right.When i listen to myself and the things i say sometimes, something deep within my very being begins to stir.Sometimes it takes one traumatic experience or maybe a series of them to really shake the very foundation you stand on.Everything you knew to be true everything you knew to be safe, could disappear.The pain you feel could get so intense that you would find it difficult to let the breath escape your body.To ease the strife you might begin to question why.Why did this happen?What did you do to deserve it?How are you ever going to recover.And then we do what everyone is strife does- we remember God.We pray and we say please Lord take this pain away, I cant take it anymore.However, what we really should say is please Lord give me the strength to accept what you give me, give me the strength to feel the pain, for it takes courage to endure, accept and move on.Its amazing how the change in your life could almost be instant.Just a change of a couple of words, just a change of heart.

I've come to a point in my life where i do not question.The good, the bad, it doesnt matter to me.As I know that everything happens for a reason.We might not understand it at that point of time but sometime in the future, the answer is clear to us, the reason for our suffering is right in front of us.Nothing happens when we want it to happen.Things happen when God wills it to happen.The sooner we accept that our life is not in our hands, the better.Sure we have to make the best of the opportunities presented, but they have been "presented".We really have nothing to do with it.What makes a difference in the long run are the decisions that we decide to make, each one either closer to farther away from our true goal - peace, true peace and a sense of well being within ourselves.

The hardest part is letting go.Change can be frightening but it is not until we take those baby steps that we really start to run.We might fall, but our Father is right there, waiting to pick us up.All we need to do is call out to Him.The second you decide to leave it all in His hands and say I trust in You, here is my life, do as You will, be sure that the change in your life will be instant and definite.It is actually so much easier to say I cant take this anymore, "Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee" (one of my mum's favourite hymns).

So heres what I decided to do ... let go...let go of the pain, of the sorrow, of the tears ,
even the joy...just let go of it all.As I know there will be new pain to feel, new sorrows to endure,new tears to shed, new joys to feel.Every event is special and has its purpose, but we have to learn when to let it go...We have the privilege of walking this earth just once-time is running out, and theres a whole world out there-how much do we know?So the easiest thing to do is take that bagfull of complexities and place it in the hands of God.

I need to make space for the new ones.

THE ANGEL

2007-10-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

I dreamt a dream! What can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen
Guarded by an Angel mild:
Witless woe was ne'er beguiled!

And I wept both night and day,
And he wiped my tears away;
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.

So he took his wings, and fled;
Then the morn blushed rosy red.
I dried my tears, and armed my fears
With ten thousand shields and spears.

Soon my Angel came again;
I was armed, he came in vain;
For the time of youth was fled,
And grey hairs were on my head.

William Blake...
one of my favourite poets, who seems to capture your attention and awaken an uneasy feeling deep within.When does innocence end and experience begin?the answer lies in the number of grey hairs i can count...or does it.